Spiritual abuse happens when someone mentally manipulates another person in order to accomplish an ungodly agenda.
Spiritual abuse is abuse of the soul, which primarily affects the mind – how a person thinks. If the internal harming continues unabated, it will exponentially affect the person spiritually, especially how he (or she) relates to God, to himself (or herself), and to others.
A darkness comes over the soul, which can lead to depression, despair, despondency, and even suicide. It can also lead to erratic behaviours like unstable anger, fear-motivated withdrawal, or alleviating mechanisms like alcohol or medications.
This happens more than we generally think. The most common place where you will find spiritual abuse is in contexts where someone has authority over someone else, whether the authority is God-given or self-proclaimed.
The two most common places where spiritual abuse happens for a Christian are marriage and the local church. (It can also happen in work environments.) In these contexts there is a God-given hierarchical structure. This biblical structure is not bad or necessarily wrong. It is only bad when a person makes it so, which is the point of your question.
God has pre-wired us to follow others. Our culture calls this the herd mentality. We call it biblical submission. We were not wired to be god, but to follow God. We were also wired to follow others. You see this throughout the Old and New Testaments.
God raised up leaders for His people to follow. So far, so good. The problem comes when some of these leaders forget their God-given call and God-illuminated directives for leading others.
"Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness" – James 3:1 (ESV)
Proceed with caution
Your question is a dangerous one; it is also a question that must be asked. It is dangerous because it can unsettle and even destroy a local church.
There are souls at stake. If there is no spiritual abuse, then caution is paramount so our Christian brothers and sisters are not discouraged by the discourse. If there is spiritual abuse, then caution is also paramount because our Christian brothers and sisters are in harm’s way. They need help. They need to be warned.
The other people we want to think about are those who reject our religion. We do not want to give them more ammunition for their arsenals, thus, the greatest concern of all is God’s name. We want to make God’s name great in all that we do.
Therefore, we cannot ignore the potentiality of spiritual abuse, and especially the reality of it when we are made aware it is happening. To be silent to the abuse makes us culpable to the abuse.
Signs of abuse
The remainder of this article is about some of the signs you should think about regarding spiritual abuse. This will not be an exhaustive list or a list that is in order of importance.
► Do you have to ask?
If you have to ask whether a person is spiritually abusive, then that may be your first sign. Think of Jesus here. Nobody is asking that question about Him – nobody with any common biblical sense, that is.
If you are sitting under a pastor, and you have a general sense of uneasiness about him, then you need to explore this – first in your own mind and with God, and then with your spouse or close confidant.
Please keep a tight circle around your thoughts, at least in the beginning. If you are right, it will become obvious to all, but if you are not, you do not want to damage a person’s reputation.
► Does he delegate?
Abusive pastors are usually controllers. They like to micro-manage their organization. There is one way to do things, and it is his way. You will not find a lot of biblical liberty, which taps into the diversity within the body of Christ. Alternate opinions are not generally encouraged or celebrated.
► Does he clone?
Along with his tight control on how the church operates, you will also sense the only ones who can do anything are those who are lock-stepping with him. Think Hitler here.
Hitler believed in a superior way and the only way you could be promoted was to give your allegiance to him. You also had to be trusted in carrying out his methods and policies.
Therefore, the spiritual abuser will test his candidates, usually with extra-biblical guidelines. His guidelines. The people who are promoted within his system will think and act similar to him, or they will be pawns, who will not buck his system.
One of the interesting things you will find with his underlings is if you ask them a question that they have not been taught, they will not be able to answer you. They will have to check in with HQ before they can give you an answer. The Spirit of God and His Word are no longer leading the church.
► Does he clone a culture?
Because of his heavy-handed control, you will begin to notice a lack of diversity in your local church. They will create their own language, mannerisms, and customs.
When people come in from the outside, they will notice how different it is from the greater body of Christ. Those in the clone factory will take this as a complement. Those outside the clone factory will think it is a cult.
No sensible Christian should walk into any Christian church, and think it is a cult because of the unique language, mannerisms, or customs of the church.
Paul wrote to scores of churches teaching them how to think and to behave, and we have seen a consistent pattern throughout church history of local church body life. Within all the diversity is a similarity that bleeds through all local churches around the world.
If your church is becoming something other than what anyone would expect from any local church, then there may be danger. This danger will point back to tight-fisted control.
► How do you feel?
When you are not around your pastor are you less guarded and more free? I am not talking about the fear of pastor syndrome that insecure people have, or people who overly exalt their pastor, thinking he is bigger than life.
One of the pastor’s greatest strengths is his ability to build up another person, while humanizing himself. Do you feel built up and free to be the person God is calling you to be or are you more cautious about your words and actions when you are around him?
Think Hitler again. If I were around Hitler, I would be guarded about my words and actions. If I were around Jesus, I would be relaxed and free to be myself.
I know I can make a mistake around Jesus. I would be fearful about messing up around Hitler. The abusive pastor makes you more self-aware and self-conscious. You feel more constricted and less free, especially when you are around him.
Can you tell him what you are thinking? Let us go back to Jesus again. Prayer is one of the most beautiful mediums we have as God’s children. We are encouraged to talk to Him. We can tell Him anything and never fear undesirable repercussions.
"Not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock" – 1 Peter 5:3 (ESV)
Your pastor is the LORD’s under-shepherd. He is called to emulate the Saviour in order to give you an example to follow. You should be nearly as free to talk to your pastor as you are free to talk to God.
- Do you feel like you can share your concerns with him, whatever they may be?
- Do you believe he can be trusted?
- Can he steward your thoughts and concerns like Jesus would, always seeking your best?
- Can you disagree with him?
- Does he approach your alternate opinions as a learner, not as a defender of his position?
- Is he willing to allow you to exercise your opinions as long as they are not contrary to the Gospel?
- Is he willing to change his mind because he sees the wisdom and the value of your input?
► Is he ignorant?
"He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit" – 1 Timothy 3:6 (ESV)
It is possible for a pastor to be a novice. He may not be a recent convert, but he could act like one. One of the things I have noticed in our church culture today is how the process for selecting pastors does not always pay attention to the right details.
In many cases the qualifications for a pastor is not 1 Timothy 3:1-7. It can be more about (1) a person’s burden to go into ministry, (2) possibly his education, or (3) his charisma and ability to lead.
A genuine desire to be a pastor, along with an excellent pastoral education and a leadership gift does not make you a pastor. Hitler had two out of these three. He had a strong desire to be great and a pronounced leadership gift, though twisted. He was not an educated man, though he was street smart.
The qualifications Paul gave to Timothy were mostly about a person’s character. With the exception of the gift of teaching, they all can be connected to Christlike matters of the heart – his character.
There have been too many instances where men have been given the reins of a local church, even though they were deficient in character. This has proven to be a disaster.
It is far easier to not put a person in ministry than to put him in ministry and have to remove him years later. The fallout can be disastrous and generational.
► Is he humble?
Can you go to him and share your concerns with him? The main issue, at this time, is not if the concerns are right or wrong. The main issue is you guy’s ability to talk in a civil and non-threatening way. Has he created that kind of environment for relationships?
This same question also applies to me: can my wife and my friends have access to me and the ability to share their concerns with me, whatever they may be? If they cannot share with me because of my immaturity or anger or unwillingness to listen, then I need to consider how I may be abusing them.
A humble man or woman will want to hear where they may be failing. The reason for this is because it is not about him/her. A humble pastor will welcome grace-motivated and grace-concerned individuals who are seeking his best for God’s glory.
The pastor will be an active learner because he, like you, is always willing to change, grow, and mature.